Introduction
Hello and welcome back to the channel. I’m Stuart, a UK based BABCP accredited cognitive and behavioural psychotherapist and I am here to help you live a more meaningful life using evidence based methods.
So lets talk about the the idea of trying to control your emotions or control how you feel. Or how you might try to get rid of unpleasant thoughts and feelings. Because this comes up nearly all the time in my therapy sessions. It’s probably the number one reason people come to me for therapy - they want to control their emotions.
And its really important to recognise and acknowledge if the things you are currently doing to try and control or avoid those unwanted thoughts and feelings actually end up moving you away from what is important and meaningful, instead of towards it.
If you have had therapy before, if you have done some research on this then you may have come across terms such as safety behaviours, coping strategies or to use a term I like from the book ACT made simple, emotional control strategies.
So here are 5 questions that I want you to answer. To get the most out of this video please listen to each of these questions, as they build on each other, and try and answer them as honestly as possible.
Bring to mind a feeling, or an emotion, or a thought or a memory that you are trying to get rid of.
Question number 1 - What have you tried so far? What have you tried so far to avoid or get rid of this unpleasant or unwanted thought, feeling, emotion or memory?
One way to think about this is through a mnemonic DOTS, again this is from ACT made Simple.
D is for Distraction. Think of some ways you try and distract yourself. Perhaps you purposely keep yourself busy, maybe you play computer games or watch TV. Some people exercise or get out of the house for a while. Some people knit or crochet to purposely keep their mind focussed on something else in order to avoid a certain emotion, thought, feeling or memory. Sometimes people excessively clean and tidy, again as a way to distract themselves. Or perhaps you go out and do some shopping, buy yourself something, a shiny new object, to try and make you feel better and to get that dopamine hit, not because you actually need the thing you have bought.
The O is for opting out, which is another term for avoidance. I guess we could have used the letter A here, for avoidance, but then the mnemonic will have been DATS, and that's not a word.
Think about things that are important, or valued, or meaningful to you that you avoid doing. Are there places that you don’t go to? Are there particular events you avoid? Are there people you avoid? Are there important things you procrastinate over or withdraw from?
T is for Thinking strategies. So the D and the O are quite external things that we do. They happen outside of us.
This one, thinking strategies, are more internal things, or covert things (so things other people cant see) so what is happening inside our minds. Have you tried replaying scenarios over and over in your head to work out if you said or did something? Have you tried imagining situations that haven’t happened yet to work out how you would cope with them? Have you tried being overly critical or blaming yourself - ‘why did you do that, you are so stupid you never get anything right!’, have you ever tried using positive affirmations only for it not feel genuinely true and so you feel worse. Have you ever tried to challenge your own thoughts only to find more evidence in favour for it? Such as “Therapy wont work for me” and you have evidence of having 8 different therapists who were unable to help you.
The S is for Substances and other strategies.
There are some obvious ones here such as drinking alcohol to try and numb the pain or to forget something. Or using drugs to try and feel better or to avoid feeling a certain way. Or overusing prescribed medication. Sometimes people use other substances such as caffeine to try and control how they are feeling. Or drink lots of fizzy drinks for that sugar rush, or eat a ton of junk food, or maybe reach for the 3kg tub of Nutella.
And then are there any other strategies that we haven’t covered yet?. Have you ever tried picking a fight either for potential excitement or in the hope that someone else will hurt you? Have you ever hurt yourself through self harm as a way to control or get rid of what you are feeling? Have you ever thought about having an affair as a way to avoid what is currently going on in your life? Maybe you constantly read self help books in how to get get rid of or control feelings, maybe you continuously see different therapists for the same reason.
As you can see there are loads of emotional control strategies that you may be using.
Now, think about the strategy that you use
The second question is - How has the emotional control strategy worked for you?
Generally speaking the emotional control strategy does offer some short term relief. As you know from what I’ve discussed in my previous videos, these control strategies usually work well in the short term, because that’s why we do them, and why we keep doing them. Your mind is very good at finding ways to reduce your unwanted or unpleasant thoughts and feelings in the immediate short term without much regard to the long term consequences. So ask yourself, do these thoughts and feelings stay away once you have tried these strategies, or do they end up coming back soon after? Over time is it getting better, worse or staying the same? Let’s face it, if these strategies worked in the long term, then they probably wouldn’t be a problem and you wouldn’t be in therapy or thinking about therapy.
The third question is what has it cost you?
We all have experiential avoidance to some degree, we may put off doing a piece of work, or having a difficult conversation with someone, but when we do get round to it the costs of delaying that usually aren’t too high.
Let’s think about each one of our DOTS and look at what that strategy is costing you, and remember that if you do come across one that is working in the long term to help you live a life that you want, then that is fine please keep doing it. For example when I feel stressed I will go for a run. That is an emotional control strategy because it can help control how I feel, however it is also in line with a personal value of mine around self care and being healthy so that works for me.
What has distracting yourself cost you in terms of how you spend your time? What has it cost you in terms of how you spend your energy, because constantly trying to distract yourself is very tiring.
What has opting out and avoiding things cost you in terms of your relationships, or how you are spending your life? What opportunities have you missed out on? How much is your world shrinking because you are avoiding things?
What's it like trying to do thinking strategies whilst you are having a conversation with a friend or loved one? Are you really being present with them. How much of the day are you caught up in your own thoughts instead of engaging in something meaningful or important to you?
What has using those substances cost you in terms of your health? What have they cost you in terms of your relationships? What have they financially cost you?
That leads us to question 4 which is now you have answered questions 1 - 3, what is coming up for you?
At this point you may be feeling some frustration, anger or sadness when thinking about the strategies you have been trying, and then finding out they are actually maintaining the problem. Please remember, all those strategies you have been using make total sense. It doesn't mean you are stupid, it doesn't mean you are an idiot. You have tried really hard to get rid of your painful or unpleasant thoughts and feelings. And in fact what you might find is that some of what you have been trying are actually suggested by other people - just distract yourself, do something to take your mind off it. Don't feel sad, don't feel scared, just don't do it if you don't want to, stop feeling so sorry for yourself. And then you mix that message in with how you feel when you actually use your strategy. That sense of relief you get when you avoid doing something that makes you feel anxious, that sense you get when you buy something for yourself, that feeling you get when you take that substance and it takes away the pain. It makes so much sense that you would do that.
Question 5 : Are you willing to try something different?
Do you recognise that some of your emotional control strategies aren’t working to give you the long term life that you want? Are you willing to try something different than you have been so far?
If you are then this leads nicely onto the idea of acceptance and I have a video with a great exercise that demonstrates acceptance already on YouTube which you can find here. I suggest giving that a watch next.
I have a whole range of exercises that I am currently filming and will be uploaded soon. I am making these videos whilst working full time so please show your support for my work by subscribing to the channel and liking this video, that is what motivates me to continue.
I hope you found this helpful. Make life meaningful. Take care.
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