Hello and welcome back. Moving forward with our acceptance and commitment therapy series we are going to take a look at what we can do once we know what we value, or have figured out what is important to us. How do we actually put that into action? How do we ‘do’ what matters?
How do we do the Commitment part of Acceptance and commitment.
Think back to some of the values videos I have done, that hopefully you have already seen because they are a really helpful starting point, where we describe values as a direction we move in, its not an end point. We used the metaphor of values being like a compass and pointing in that direction we want to move in.
Well if values is the direction you move in then Committed action are the steps that you take. The steps that slowly, but surely, accumulate toward an engaged and meaningful life.
And what we often find is that by doing things that matter, and behaving in a way that is in line with our values then we feel better about ourselves, we feel more positive and we feel more content. That is a by product, but a very welcome one. And just to re-iterate this, there might be times when you are doing something values based and you are still experiencing difficult thoughts, or feelings or physical sensations. There needs to be a willingness to have those experiences otherwise they are going to get in the way and you are most likely going to end up moving away from what you want. Remember emotions change frequently, and thoughts are coming and going all the time. But generally speaking the overall sense of meaning and purpose will be greater.
Its Acceptance and Commitment, they come hand in hand. It is difficult to commit to doing something, especially something new or outside your comfort zone, if you aren’t willing to experience the difficult stuff that shows up with that.
I hear other ACT therapists often talking about the Swamp and Mountain metaphor. So imaging you want to go and climb the top of a mountain. The view from the top is stunning, and you want to experience that. You are so excited and you plan to go the next day. You wake up early, have a hearty breakfast to fill you with energy and you make a start. And as you get closer to the bottom of the mountain you start to encounter some mud. And that mud soon starts to turn into a bit of a swamp. And as you wade through, it slows you down, you start getting mud stuck to your boots, stuck to your trousers, its everywhere. its becoming a real chore to continue.
So you have a choice. Carry on through the swamp until you get to the mountain and get to the top. Or you can give up, and go home. The problem with going home is you miss the experience of going up the mountain. And apart from you, no one really cares. The world does not care if you carry on up that mountain or not.
So this is the dilemma. The dilemma of what happens when we step outside the comfort zone. When we try something new. Difficult things are going to show up, and when they do you have a choice in how to respond. If you choose to avoid them, then perhaps that gets in the way of a more meaningful life. And I’ll caveat this, I am not for one second saying this is easy, and willingness is easy, and choosing to move forward is easy. It’s really not. If it was easy you would have done it by now. We have evolved to move away, to avoid, to get rid of anything that causes us discomfort, pain or distress.
Its a survival mechanism.
So change is challenging. Especially if you have spent months, years, or your whole life doing things to avoid emotional pain.
We can’t make big, sudden changes over night. We have to start small.
And theres a thing to notice here, something that is very common. When you set yourself a very small step to take, do you know what the mind is likely to say?
“That is pointless”. “That is such a small step, whats the point?” “You are never going to get anywhere like this”. This is where those previous skills come in, get some distance, thank your mind, after all its trying to look out for you. if you dont start the journey then you cant let yourself down. But then youll have the voice saying you are such a loser for not starting, your worthless, you know the thoughts.
So one really common way to structure this is through SMART goals. And I am sure most people watching this are familiar with SMART goals.
First thing to do is pick a value. if you want to connect it with a life domain like in my bullseye video then feel free to do that. If you havent watched that video then dont worry, we will go through some steps here.
Once you have picked a value then we can set SMART goals for that. Theres a few different versions of what each letter means. i dont want to confuse things by listing all the different ways so i have chosen the following.
S - Be specific in the action you are going to take. So if you are choosing a value of being caring we can make that more specific by saying when my partner gets home later I will ask them how their day has been, give them a hug and make them a nice cup of tea. Obviously that will change depending on what you want to do but you get the idea. Be specific in the behaviour you are going to do. Instead of “being a better friend”, I will meet my friend at the cafe at 2pm.
M - which is measurable, meaning it is observable. I will meet my friend at the cafe at 2pm is obviously measurable, you either meet them or you dont.
A - Achievable. Think about small steps here. there is no point trying to do a behaviour that you just cant possibly do. I’m writing my thesis for my PhD currently. Its 100,000 words. I cant set myself a goal to achieve that in a week. its just not going to happen. And if I try to do that, then I am likely to feel very stressed, very overwhelmed and most likely just give up completely. Whereas if I set myself the goal of writing 500 words then that is far more achievable. Then when I write 500 words, that motivates me to continue.
R - is Relevant, in this case. Does the goal actually represent the value. This is a good time to double check. If they aren’t then it might mean that the goals ends up being forgotten, or motivation is lost.
T - is time frame. When are you aiming to do this by? This keeps you accountable and focussed. Try and be specific with a date, and a specific time if possible. This avoids that trap of “next month I am going to start exercising”. Instead we have “tomorrow morning at 8am I am going to go for a 30 minute walk”
Some of this might seem overwhelming right now. i quite often find that goals can seem initially too big and there is some difficulty in breaking it down.
Something that might be helpful is to think of long term, medium term and short term goals. Start with a big goal. I want to finish my PhD within the next year. That gives an idea of what I want to do but doesn’t really give me any action at this time. Lets break that down, what can I do in the next 3 months. Well, I can probably have drafted my chapters of the thesis. Notice here that currently I’m not really committing to any action here, not to 3 month or 12 month goals.
Lets break it down further to one month. What am i able to achieve in one month. Okay, maybe drafting one chapter. Still little commitment here of what I am actually doing.
Lets break it down to the next week. So this is getting a lot closer. In the next week I can come up with a structure of what that chapter might look like. Still not much commitment though of actual action.
Lets go one stage further, what can I do in the next 24 hours. So today. Right here right now. This is where the real action is. So by the end of today I will have written a 500 word introduction to what will be covered in that chapter.
By me doing that, by me writing that introduction it starts to build momentum of action, and thats what we want. And to some it might be, 500 words isnt even making a dent.
And you are right, on its own its not, but what can those 500 words turn into over time?
Okay, I am conscious of how long this video could be turning out so I think we will leave it there. Coming up there will be more videos about this. Such overcoming common barriers. techniques that can help you get started or maintain momentum. So if you are interested in them please consider subscribing.
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