I wanted to make this video to start to get you thinking about what you want to get from this series. Because if you start thinking about this now, right at the beginning, then as we progress through the series you have already started to think about how you can apply this to your own life.
And something I really wanted to do with this series is approach it like I would approach my actual therapy sessions.
And that got me thinking about the differences between one to one therapy and learning about mental health, and doing things like skills and exercises through videos such as these, or any other YouTube channel.
One to one therapy has something special about it. Two humans connecting with each other, and trying to facilitate a safe and trusting environment to work on specific things that that person wants to work on.
And it’s really difficult to do that via a video series. But we can get somewhat close.
There is this word us therapists really like to use when we describe how we work with clients.
And that word is collaboration. And collaboration is important, I see collaboration as 2 people (but it could be more in a group setting) working together towards a common goal.
I quite often come across people who think that as the therapist I am the expert. In fact I’ve had a session recently when I asked a person I was working with why they thought they had responded in a certain way to a situation, and their answer was “you tell me, you’re the expert”. And I thought that was a really interesting response.
And I have had other clients who think that as therapists we have all the answers, that somehow we have resolved all of our own issues, and we are the experts in how you can resolve all of your own too. But I have to be honest, that really isn't the case.
So I usually start with explaining this idea of collaboration and I do it using a metaphor about two mountains.
You are climbing your own mountain, and I am climbing my own. But these mountains are relatively close together. I can be on my mountain and I can see over to yours. And I can see you on the side of it trying to navigate your way to the top. And because you are so close to the face of your mountain there are things you can’t see, but I can see them from where I am. I can see if there's another path you could take, I can see if where you are heading is unlikely to work out, I can see if there are any avalanches on the way. I can shout over and let you know, I can give you directions and I can give you suggestions and things to try.
And your metaphorical mountain includes things that are unique to you. Remember you are the expert of you. It includes your past experiences, your hopes and dreams, your present experiences, your knowledge of your own body and physical responses, what’s worked before and what hasn’t, your relationships, your own learning of yourself, your cultural background, your values, your motivation, your willingness to work hard for yourself, all of that kind of stuff.
And I’m on my mountain. I’m not at the top either. I'm still working my way up. And despite the fact that I don’t have those things unique to you, I do have some things that are unique to me. I have my clinical experience of 1000s of people I have helped before. I have knowledge of the countless research articles I have analysed, and books I have read. I have my own personal experiences of life and what it’s like to struggle, and experiences loss, and pain and distress. And you can shout over to me on my mountain - that exercise didn't work for me Stuart, I'm not sure what to do about this Stuart? Or that did work really well for me, lets do more of that.
So between us we have a lot covered, and its about bringing both of what we have together in a way that is helpful and helps you move up your mountain.
Even in these videos where it doesn't feel like we have much of a therapeutic relationship, we can still in some way work together and continue to climb our mountains. I can still bring my stuff through making videos, and you can bring your stuff by being willing to try some new things and by being open to some of the things that I give you. Not everything will land well and you are free to pick and choose what is helpful for you and what isn’t. But please remember skills and exercises are a bit like learning to play an instrument. It’s the practice, practice, practice that hones skills and makes you better at them. If I were a guitar teacher I would expect you to pick up the guitar at least once per day in-between our lessons. Well it’s the same with mental health skills. If you had hurt or damaged a muscle, and I were a physio I would give you some exercises in a session to strengthen that muscle, and again I would expect you to do those exercises in-between our sessions. Again it’s the same with mental health. We have to develop those new neural pathways, and we will talk about this idea of neuroplasticity later in the series, but it really is a wonderful thing, but it is a thing that requires practice and repetition.
Whilst you are watching these videos, and progress through them, I would like you to keep in mind why you are watching them.
The series is called managing your emotions, so there's a suggestion there that you are interested in learning just how to do that either in your own life or supporting someone else do the same.
Maybe you’re experiencing depression.
Maybe you’re experiencing anxiety
Maybe you feel stuck in life.
Maybe you are frustrated or angry about something.
But why, why do you want to manage your emotions more effectively? Thinking about this can help set a direction for where you want to go with this.
Quite often when people come to me for therapy, one of my first questions is why are you here? Or what would you like to get out of our sessions together?
And what I often hear are things like:
I want to feel happier.
I want to feel more relaxed.
I want to feel more confident.
I want to increase my self esteem.
Or they tell me what they DONT want to feel:
I dont want to feel depressed any more.
I want to stop feeling angry.
I dont want to to feel anxious.
And these make loads of sense, I mean who wouldn’t want those things, but WHY do you want those things.
Most people want these things as it helps to live a more meaningful life. And that is the overarching goal of acceptance and commitment therapy - to be able to live a life full of meaning and vitality and finding ways to do that. And living life means doing things, it means taking action.
So it can be helpful to reframe those previous goals from wanting or not wanting to feel a certain way to things that you want to DO.
And we aren’t going to get into specific goals right now but it is helpful to start thinking about how things would be different for you.
What will you be doing differently?
Is there anything you will start doing?
Is there anything you would stop doing?
Will you do more of something?
Will you do less of something?
Will you treat yourself differently?
Will you treat other people differently? And if so how?
Is there anywhere you would go that you currently avoid?
Are there any activities that you would want to do that you currently avoid doing?
Are there any activities that you do now but you’ll be able to engage in more fully?
Are there people that are currently in your life that you could be more present with?
If theres anything you think that would be helpful in sharing then please do so in the comments. Just consider your confidentiality if you are using your real name as a YouTube username. If I ever get big enough on here then maybe one day I can set up a proper online forum through my website or something to help add additional support to these videos.
Remember earlier when I said living is about doing.
And although we aren’t going to set any specific goals right now we set an overarching broad goal. And that goal can be I want to learn new skills to manage these difficult thoughts, feelings, emotions or memories more effectively. And when I say more effectively I mean when they show up, you dont let them control you, you dont let them toss you around. We will learn new skills to manage them.
Maybe there are things you want to stop doing because of how you currently manage your emotions.
Maybe you want to reduce or stop gambling, overeating, drinking alcohol, eating junk food, smoking, over using prescribed medication. So what we can do is identify the thoughts and feelings that lead to those behaviours and, you guessed it, learn new skills to handle those thoughts and feelings more effectively and find alternative and more appropriate behaviours when they show up.
So as you can see this goals encapsulates a lot of what people are experiencing and want out of sessions.
So if it’s okay with you, let’s agree to that goal now. This is my commitment to you that I will try and help you learn and put into practice new skills to handle difficult thoughts, feelings, emotions, urges, impulses, sensations and memories more effectively.
So I hope that sets the tone and the theme for the rest of the videos coming up in this series.
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